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SEINFELD
- “THE WAFFLE CONE” BY:
CODY GREENE AND FRED CUNHA 02/15/2025 COLD
OPEN INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT JERRY Has anyone here heard of Michael
Collins? No? Neil Armstrong? Yeah. Buzz Aldrin? Of course, I thought so. Michael was the guy who drove hundreds
of thousands of miles to drop off Neil and Buzz on the moon, then had to stay
in the lunar lander. Can you imagine? Watching them out the little window while
they are on TV bouncing around and planting flags. Then you're
back home, flirting with a woman at a party, and she asks you what you do. You
tell her you’re an astronaut, that you flew to the moon - but she doesn’t
believe you. What do you say? “Well, I was the captain. I stayed with the ship.
I can call Neil right now, he’ll tell you!” He probably just tells people that
he’s a plumber to avoid the conversation. END OF
COLD OPEN ACT I INT. ICE CREAM SHOP – DAY GEORGE I love the smell of fresh waffle cones.
Is there anything better than a fresh, warm waffle cone? JERRY LOOKS AT ALL THE FLAVORS AND AT GEORGE. JERRY Wobbly Monkey, Mellow Moon Pie, Bean Me
Up? Who comes up with these names? SERVER LOOKS ANNOYED AND WAITS FOR JERRY TO ORDER. JERRY
(CONT’D) Just chocolate, waffle cone, thanks. SERVER GETS A WAFFLE CONE, SCOOPS THE CHOCOLATE, AND HANDS THE
ICE CREAM TO JERRY. SERVER (to George) What would you like? GEORGE I would like one scoop of chocolate. And
can I get a warm waffle cone, please? SERVER I’m sorry but I can’t do that. GEORGE You can’t do what? SERVER The ice cream would melt. GEORGE That’s okay. That’s a risk I’m willing
to take. SERVER I’m sorry but I can’t do that. The cones
over there are fresh. GEORGE What do you mean you can’t do that? JERRY (to server) It’s fine. SERVER It’s company policy. JERRY (to server) He’ll take the regular waffle cone. GEORGE It’s not fine. If that’s the only
option, I guess I’ll take it, since we’re already here - but I’m not happy
about it. JERRY (to server) My friend will take it. SERVER TURNS AROUND TO GET A WAFFLE CONE. GEORGE (whispers to Jerry) Did you see the way she looked at me? JERRY There was no look. GEORGE There was a look. I know that look when
I see it. JERRY Should you ask for medium spit? I know
you don’t like your ice cream too soggy. SERVER HANDS THE ICE CREAM TO GEORGE. GEORGE (to server) Have you been to one of those places
that make frozen yogurt from scratch? They have warm waffle cones. So good. THE SERVER IGNORES GEORGE. THEY LEAVE THE ICE CREAM SHOP. EXT. STREET – DAY JERRY The cone is actually— GEORGE Did you see what just happened in there? JERRY She probably just doesn’t want to clean
up a mess. GEORGE So now you’re an ice cream nazi
sympathizer? JERRY All I’m saying is that the regular cones
were still pretty good. GEORGE I still can’t believe she wouldn’t give
me a warm cone. Was that so hard? INT. BAKERY – DAY ELAINE IS IN LINE AT A BAKERY LOOKING AT BLACK AND WHITE
COOKIES. ATTRACTIVE GUY BEHIND ELAINE IN LINE STARTS TALKING TO HER. ATTRACTIVE
GUY Did you know that those are called half moon cookies where I came from? ELAINE Are you from the moon? ATTRACTIVE
GUY Upstate. ELAINE Is the moon black and white in upstate
New York? ATTRACTIVE
GUY It’s a medieval symbol representing
the midpoint of the lunar cycle. ELAINE Really? I didn’t realize upstate was
that far behind… ATTRACTIVE
GUY Unfortunately… Which is why I just moved
to the city last week. ELAINE Really? How are you adjusting to modern
living? ATTRACTIVE
GUY Well
I could use some help getting my bearings if you’re free later… EXT. GOLF COURSE – DAY KRAMER IS IN THE PARKING LOT PUTTING HIS GOLF BAG AWAY AND
CHANGING HIS SHOES. OLDER MAN PULLS UP IN A BLACK CONVERTIBLE WITH A ‘MARS GUY’
LICENCE PLATE. OLDER MAN GETS HIS GOLF BAG OUT OF THE TRUNK AND HANDS IT TO
KRAMER ALONG WITH A WAD OF CASH. OLDER
MAN Oh, good, you’re here. I’m going to get
a drink. Meet me at the first hole in 15 minutes. KRAMER, STARTLED, ACKNOWLEDGES THE MONEY, STUFFS IT IN HIS
POCKET, GRABS THE BAG, TAKES HIS TOWEL FROM HIS TRUNK, AND WALKS TO THE FIRST
HOLE. INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT – EVENING JERRY IS WORKING ON JOKES ON A NOTEPAD. GEORGE So
you really think he is only doing it to get women? JERRY All he ever does is crowd work,
and he never talks to the men. I always see him flirting with these women after
the shows. GEORGE Is he any good? JERRY At picking up women? I guess. GEORGE No, his act. JERRY Not really - that’s not stand-up comedy
if you just do crowd work, it’s more like improv. Frankly, I find it a little
insulting and he's on tonight right before me. GEORGE Do you think he'll get fired? JERRY It’s not a job you can get fired from. GEORGE Really? Do you think I should do
stand-up? ELAINE RINGS THE BUZZER DOWNSTAIRS. ELAINE It’s me. JERRY Come on up. JERRY UNLOCKS THE DOOR. GEORGE I need to borrow your tape recorder. JERRY I didn’t think you were serious about
trying stand-up. GEORGE No, I need to take it to that ice cream
shop. JERRY You’re still going on about the waffle
cones? GEORGE It doesn’t make any sense. I think she
made up that policy because of what you said about the flavors. I want to get
them on record. JERRY That’s ridiculous. KRAMER WALKS IN, GOES STRAIGHT TO THE FRIDGE AND STARTS DRINKING
ORANGE JUICE FROM THE CARTON. JERRY (CONT’D) (to Kramer) Please, help yourself. ELAINE WALKS IN. GEORGE (to Jerry) For the record, I think I would be
pretty good at stand-up. JERRY Oh, yeah? What would you talk about? GEORGE Are you kidding me? My whole life is a
joke. ELAINE What’s going on? GEORGE Jerry is upset about this guy who flirts
with all the women at his shows. KRAMER CONTINUES DRINKING ORANGE JUICE FROM THE CARTON. ELAINE (to Jerry) Don’t you do the same thing? JERRY What I do takes effort. My observations
are commentary on everyday life. I like to think of what I do as a public
service. He’s just in it to meet women. ELAINE So
he’s better looking than you? JERRY Say, why don’t you come out tonight and
see for yourself? ELAINE I met someone today and we’re having dinner but I may be able to swing by. JERRY I’ll make sure they save you a table. KRAMER FINISHES THE ORANGE JUICE, LEAVES ON THE COUNTER, AND
JERRY PUTS IT IN THE TRASH. JERRY (to Kramer) You seem a little thirsty… KRAMER I have to stay
hydrated for my new job. JERRY A what? KRAMER I started caddying at the municipal golf
course today. KRAMER SPLASHES HIS FACE IN THE SINK. ELAINE So, yeah, he just moved here from upstate and he wants me to show him around. Did you know up
there they call black and white cookies, half moon
cookies? JERRY Did you explain to him that it’s actually about racial harmony? ELAINE He said it represents the lunar cycle. JERRY Lunar cycle? Was that a precursor to the
lunar rover? JERRY MIMICS RIDING A BICYCLE. ELAINE ROLLS HER EYES. ELAINE Ah ha. Did you know that our moon is the
only moon that doesn’t have a name? JERRY I thought it was ‘Luna’. ELAINE He says that’s just Latin for the word
moon. KRAMER I’m pretty sure the guy I caddied for
today is an astronaut. JERRY AND ELAINE STARE BLANKLY AT KRAMER. KRAMER
(CONT’D) His name is Buzz, he has a MARS GUY
license plate, and he insisted on putting the flag in on every hole. JERRY SHAKES HIS HEAD. GEORGE NEARS THE DOOR HOLDING THE TAPE
RECORDER. GEORGE (to Jerry) Hey, wanna
grab lunch again tomorrow? JERRY As long as
the whole thing is off the record. ELAINE AND GEORGE BEGIN TO LEAVE. JERRY (CONT’D) (to Kramer) And where are you going? KRAMER I really need to see a man about a
horse. JERRY SHOVES KRAMER OUT THE DOOR BEHIND THE OTHERS. END OF
ACT I ACT II INT. COMEDY CLUB – NIGHT ELAINE AND ATTRACTIVE GUY WALK IN. ELAINE (to hostess) Do you have a reservation for Elaine
Benes? HOSTESS LOOKS UP THE GUEST LIST. HOSTESS Yes, I have a table for two right over
here. ATTRACTIVE GUY (to Elaine) I need to go see a man about a horse.
I’ll meet you at the table. ATTRACTIVE GUY HANDS HIS JACKET TO ELAINE. ELAINE LOOKS CONFUSED
AND HEADS TO THE TABLE. COMEDIAN IS IN THE MIDDLE OF HIS ACT AND ELAINE CATCHES
HIS ATTENTION. COMEDIAN (to Elaine) Oh good, you made it. Don’t worry,
you’re not late, we’re all just early. ELAINE LOOKS AROUND AND IS UNSURE IF HE’S TALKING ABOUT HER. COMEDIAN (CONT’D) Why do beautiful women think everything
revolves around them? Because it does. ELAINE LOOKS FLATTERED. COMEDIAN (CONT’D) (to Elaine) What do you do for a living? ELAINE I work for a fashion catalog. COMEDIAN (to Elaine) I knew you looked familiar. Weren’t you
Miss October? CROWD LAUGHS AS ATTRACTIVE GUY COMES BACK FROM THE RESTROOM AND
SITS DOWN WITH ELAINE. COMEDIAN TURNS TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROOM, SHIELDS
HIS EYES TO LOOK OUT OVER THE CROWD AND SPOTS A TABLE WITH ONLY BEAUTIFUL
WOMEN. COMEDIAN (CONT’D) Wow, what a beautiful crowd tonight. I
feel like we could put together a whole calendar. What’s your name? BEAUTIFUL WOMAN April. CROWD LAUGHS. JERRY IS AT THE BAR SEETHING. EXT. STREET – NIGHT ELAINE AND ATTRACTIVE GUY ARE WALKING AFTER THE COMEDY SHOW. ELAINE So, what do you think about the city so
far? ATTRACTIVE
GUY You hear stories about New Yorkers being
cold and unwelcoming but right now I’m feeling pretty welcome. ELAINE GIVES HIM A FLIRTATIOUS LOOK. ELAINE Oh, I can be unwelcoming… ATTRACTIVE GUY NOTICES HOMELESS MAN AND GIVES HIM MONEY. ELAINE
(CONT’D) That’s so sweet of you. (Attractive,
smart, and compassionate? Next, he’s going to tell me that he has a wife or six
months to live.) ATTRACTIVE
GUY It really makes me sad to see all these
homeless people here in the city - I want to help but it feels like an
unsolvable problem. ELAINE If we can put a man on the moon, we can
solve the housing crisis. ATTRACTIVE
GUY I wouldn’t use that as an example. ELAINE I get that it’s a complicated issue- ATTRACTIVE
GUY No, I meant because the landing didn’t actually happen. ELAINE Excuse me? ATTRACTIVE
GUY Yeah, there’s a lot of evidence the
entire thing was staged. ELAINE Get out! ATTRACTIVE
GUY No, I’m serious. Do you really believe
everything the government tells you? ELAINE But I remember when I was little,
watching it on TV with my family. ATTRACTIVE
GUY When you were little, you also believed
in Santa Claus. ELAINE I don’t picture my dad wearing a
spacesuit and climbing out of the lunar lander. ATTRACTIVE
GUY The whole thing was faked to win the
space race against the Soviet Union. The waving flags, the missing stars -
don’t get me started. ELAINE Oh, I won’t. ELAINE AND ATTRACTIVE GUY APPROACH HIS APARTMENT BUILDING. ATTRACTIVE
GUY Why don’t we switch the subject and talk
about something less controversial? ELAINE What did you have in mind? ATTRACTIVE
GUY Do you have anything against coming up
for coffee? ELAINE As long as
you promise not to spoil the tooth fairy for me. EXT. STREET – DAY JERRY AND GEORGE ARE A FEW DOORS AWAY FROM THE ICE CREAM SHOP. JERRY What are we doing here again? GEORGE I just need to get their policy on tape
- I’ll be right back. JERRY What is wrong with you? GEORGE WALKS BY A HOMELESS MAN SITTING ON THE SIDEWALK HOMELESS
MAN Hi there. GEORGE Hi. GEORGE WALKS INTO THE ICE CREAM SHOP WITH A HIDDEN TAPE
RECORDER, SEES THE SAME SERVER, PANICS, WALKS BACK OUT. HOMELESS
MAN Busy? GEORGE No. JERRY HAS A PUZZLED LOOK ON THIS FACE. JERRY What happened?!? GEORGE The same lady was there. I panicked and
walked out. I have to re-group. We’ll come back on a different day. JERRY Yeah, you’re right - maybe we’ll do a
stakeout, get a corkboard, some red yarn, and start connecting the dots. JERRY AND GEORGE ARE WALKING WHEN JERRY SPOTS THE COMEDIAN. HE IS WEARING A FORMAL SUIT, AND HE IS OPENING THE DOOR AND
FLIRTING WITH A GROUP OF WOMEN. JERRY Hey George, remember that comedian I was
telling you about earlier? GEORGE Crowd work Casanova?
What about him? COMEDIAN OPENS THE DOOR AGAIN FOR AN ATTRACTIVE WOMAN. HE MAKES
A SEEMINGLY FLIRTATIOUS JOKE, AND THE WOMAN LAUGHS. JERRY That’s him. The doorman. GEORGE That guy? How do you know he’s a
doorman? JERRY He’s wearing a suit and opening the door
for people. GEORGE And that makes him a doorman? JERRY I think that’s all it takes. WHILE DISTRACTED BY THE WOMAN, THE COMEDIAN LETS THE DOOR SLAM
ON AN ELDERLY MAN HOLDING A CANE AND GROCERY BAGS. HE STRUGGLES TO GET IN THE
DOOR. JERRY You see that? He totally ignored that
guy with the bags. GEORGE You’d think a doorman would have to open
the door for everyone. COMEDIAN FLIRTS WITH ANOTHER WOMAN. JERRY LOOKS ON WITH DISDAIN
AND SHAKES HIS HEAD. JERRY He’s doing the same thing but outside! GEORGE Hey, do you think I should be a doorman? INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT – AFTERNOON JERRY I disagree - I don’t think he’s capable
of getting a brain freeze. ELAINE RINGS THE BUZZER DOWNSTAIRS. ELAINE It’s Elaine. JERRY Come up. JERRY UNLOCKS THE DOOR. KRAMER ENTERS WITH A BOWL OF ICE CREAM. KRAMER (to Jerry) Do you have any chocolate fudge? JERRY WAVES HIM OFF. JERRY (to George) He’s Superman - I don’t think he even
eats ice cream. GEORGE He’s from Smallville - wasn’t his dad a
dairy farmer? JERRY They don’t go into that level of detail
in comic books, besides, it’s too cold for ice cream at the fortress of
solitude. ELAINE WALKS IN. ELAINE You’re not going to believe this! KRAMER (to Jerry) What about cherries? ELAINE (to Jerry) Remember the guy from yesterday? JERRY The moon man? ELAINE Yeah, it turns out moon man is a real
space cadet. He tried to convince me that the moon landing was staged. JERRY I take it you weren’t convinced? ELAINE Not exactly. JERRY So, it's over? ELAINE Not exactly. JERRY Are you telling me that you’re going to
see this guy again? ELAINE Well, he’s compassionate, and he can be
very charming. JERRY And ruggedly handsome. ELAINE Exactly. He did make some compelling
arguments. JERRY At least you have your priorities
straight. By the way, did you notice the so-called
comedian flirting with everybody? ELAINE I don’t think he was flirting, I thought
he was pretty funny. JERRY Oh, come on - Miss November? ELAINE Miss October, actually. JERRY SHAKES HIS HEAD. KRAMER (with a mouthful of
ice cream) I’m caddying for Buzz tomorrow morning
so I can do some investigating for you. ELAINE Investigate what? KRAMER The moon landing. The golfer-caddy
relationship is sacred. I’m sure he would tell me the truth. JERRY (to Elaine) If you’re looking for a detective, why
don’t you talk to George, who is in the process of unraveling the warm waffle
cone conspiracy? GEORGE Who has a warm waffle cone policy? KRAMER (still with a mouthful
of ice cream) Do you have any crushed almonds? JERRY I’m surrounded by nut jobs. KRAMER HAS A BRAIN FREEZE, THROWS THE BOWL IN THE AIR, AND FALLS
OVER. END OF
ACT II ACT III EXT. STREET – DAY JERRY AND GEORGE ARE STANDING OUTSIDE THE ICE CREAM SHOP. JERRY I can’t believe that I agreed to do this
with you. GEORGE I just need you to follow my lead. JERRY What are you expecting to get out of
this? GEORGE I just want them to admit that there’s
no warm waffle cone policy and that she made it up just to spite me. JERRY Maybe you deserve a little spite once in a while - have you ever thought of that? INT. ICE CREAM SHOP – DAY JERRY AND GEORGE WALK INTO THE ICE CREAM SHOP WITH A HIDDEN TAPE
RECORDER AND IMMEDIATELY SMELL THE FRESH WAFFLE CONES. GEORGE Smell that? JERRY (looking mockingly at George) I smell something alright. SERVER (to George) What would you like? GEORGE I’ll have two scoops of Mellow Moon Pie
on a warm waffle cone, please. SERVER We don’t offer warm waffle cones, but we
have fresh ones that were made today. GEORGE That’s odd. I could’ve sworn I had a
warm waffle cone here the other day. SERVER That’s impossible since we have a
company policy on warm waffle cones. GEORGE And why is that? SERVER If we hadn’t received so many complaints
of ice cream melting, we would probably still be handing out warm waffle cones. GEORGE (looking suspicious) Is that so? SERVER LOOKS AT GEORGE AND GIVES HIM AN ANNOYING LOOK. JERRY (looking amused) Maybe we should take her downtown for
questioning. GEORGE LOOKS AROUND FOR A WAFFLE CONE MAKER AND WARM WAFFLE
CONES. GEORGE Come to think of it, I don’t even see a
waffle cone maker here - I think you’re luring people in here with that smell
to make us think you have freshly made waffle cones. JERRY You know, you actually
may be onto something, Georgie Boy. SERVER (losing her patience) Do you want a cone or what? GEORGE I would like to see the waffle cone
maker. SERVER That’s ridiculous. GEORGE Is it? More ridiculous than having a
so-called warm waffle cone policy? SERVER (pointing at the door) I think you should leave now. JERRY (to George) We’ll review the tape back at the
station. JERRY DRAGS GEORGE OUT OF THE ICE CREAM SHOP. GEORGE This is not over! I’m onto you people! JERRY AND GEORGE LEAVE THE ICE CREAM SHOP AND ARE WALKING
TOGETHER. GEORGE FIDDLES WITH THE TAPE RECORDER. THEY WALK BY THE COMEDIAN
DAYLIGHTING AS A DOORMAN AND FLIRTING WITH A WOMAN, WHO IS LAUGHING. JERRY This guy again. I am gonna
say something. GEORGE What are you going to do? JERRY WALKS UP AND OPENS THE DOOR, GREETING SEVERAL PEOPLE
LOUDLY WHILE THE COMEDIAN IS DISTRACTED. COMEDIAN Hey pal, what do you think you’re doing? JERRY I think I am doing your job. COMEDIAN Oh hey, I know you. Jerry Seinfeld,
right? From the comedy club. JERRY Yeah. By the way, you
can’t call yourself a comedian if you only do crowd work. COMEDIAN What are you talking about? JERRY You don’t write any material; you just
talk to the crowd and make stuff up. COMEDIAN Well yeah, have you ever heard of
improv? JERRY That’s not the same. Also, you shouldn’t
call yourself a doorman if you only open the door for attractive women. COMEDIAN Oh, I see - you’re doing a bit. That’s pretty funny. I should work you into my act. JERRY You don’t have an act. You are not a
real comedian. GEORGE PULLS A VISIBLY UPSET JERRY AWAY FROM THE COMEDIAN. COMEDIAN That’s great - let’s workshop that. INT. MONK’S – DAY ELAINE (looking at the menu) I think I’ll get the big salad. ATTRACTIVE
GUY First of all,
I really appreciate you showing me around. It’s been fun. ELAINE I’m really enjoying hanging out with you
too. ATTRACTIVE
GUY Having said that, I don’t think we can
see each other anymore. ELAINE (extremely surprised) Excuse me?!? ATTRACTIVE
GUY I just don’t think we’re compatible. ELAINE We seemed pretty
compatible over coffee. ATTRACTIVE
GUY I know. I think we may have rushed
things a bit is all. ELAINE I don’t understand. Was it something I
said? ATTRACTIVE
GUY Well, I don’t think I can be with
someone who believes that the moon landing was real. ELAINE You can’t be serious. ATTRACTIVE
GUY I’m sorry. ELAINE I even told my friends you had made some
interesting points. ATTRACTIVE
GUY I need to be with someone who truly gets
it. ELAINE I don’t get it. ATTRACTIVE
GUY I think it’s best if I just go. ATTRACTIVE GUY WALKS AWAY FROM THE TABLE AND CROSSES PATHS WITH
JERRY AND GEORGE. JERRY (noticing that Elaine
seems upset) What’s wrong? ELAINE Moon man just broke up with me. JERRY Really? Long distance relationships
rarely work out. ELAINE He said he can’t be with someone who
believes the moon landing is real. JERRY A handsome lunatic. Very rare. Most of
the ones I know are bald and stocky. ELAINE (to George) How is your investigation going? GEORGE You’re not going to believe this. They
don’t have warm waffle cones. The whole thing is a scam. They pump a fresh
waffle cone scent in to lure unsuspecting customers
into their shop. JERRY Yeah, he really cracked this case wide
open. ELAINE You know I have a connection with the
New York Times. We can get your story out. GEORGE They’re not going to get away with this.
Not on my watch! KRAMER WALKS IN, CONFUSED AND WITH A BLACK EYE, AND SITS DOWN AT
THE TABLE. JERRY What the hell happened to you? KRAMER (pointing to his black
eye) I’m not sure if the moon landing was
fake, but this was definitely Buzz Aldrin, alright. ELAINE He punched you? KRAMER It all started when I asked him what
golfing on the moon was like, and he looked at me like I was crazy. GEORGE I didn’t know Buzz golfed on the moon. JERRY I thought that was Alan Shepherd. KRAMER Anyway, he denied it, so I told him that
he could trust me, since I didn’t tell anyone the other day when he bogeyed a
hole and wrote it down as a par. He didn’t like that. Plus, I think he might
have been mad at me that I lost his five-iron on nine.
Also, all the distances I gave him were a little off, since I mentally
converted to metric last year. GEORGE Who would have thought that Buzz Aldrin
would cheat at golf? KRAMER So
you know, he started insulting my work as a caddy, and threatened to get me
fired. JERRY How can you even get fired from a job
you don’t have? KRAMER So, then I got in his face and called
him a liar and a cheat ... and that’s when he popped me! EVERYONE LOOKS STUNNED. GEORGE GETS THE WAITRESS’S ATTENTION. WAITRESS COMES OVER TO THE TABLE. GEORGE Can I get the patty melt on a hamburger
bun? WAITRESS So, you want a cheeseburger? GEORGE No, I want the caramelized onions and
the toasted bun. WAITRESS I’m sorry but I can’t do that. GEORGE You can’t do what? WAITRESS You can have a plain bun or the toasted
rye. GEORGE Is it so hard to toast a bun? JERRY Houston, we have a problem. FADE
OUT. END OF
ACT III COLD
CLOSE INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT JERRY To me, golf is an odd sport. Can you
think of another game where someone walks alongside you, carries your
equipment, tells you what to do, but doesn’t get to play? Caddies are like the
Michael Collins of sports. END OF
COLD CLOSE END OF
EPISODE |